Friday, May 18, 2007
Current mood: Can't even put it into words...
For a few days now I've been struggling with what to write here. Nothing was GREAT. Nothing was HORRIBLE. Everything has been JUST FINE, thank you very much. And most people would be happy with that. No drama, no crisis, no catastrophe. But no, I'm not most people. If something's not totally mind blowing or totally sucky, what's the point? I had a splitting muscle tension headache yesterday—I guess that's pretty sucky. So I took a vicodin and felt better! And then when I woke up kind of groggy this morning…I DRANK 3 CUPS OF COFFEE BEFORE 10AM! Problem solved!
Somewhere in between Mania and Depression lies a state that causes consternation for those of us who are used to feeling the extremes. Ok, once again I'm exaggerating for effect—I'm not Manic Depressive. I don't have Obsessive Compulsive disorder. But give me substances or inebriants that make me feel on the edge (either high or low) and I feel totally at home. Get me jack-mode on coffee (thank you, Prysock) and I'm set. Give me a vicodin to take the edge off and there's smooth sailing ahead. But leave me with nothing to excite/inspire/sedate me…well, that's hard for me to handle.
I've come to realize that I may be an emotion junky (meaning: if I'm not feeling something in the extreme, what's the point?) This came into play with my recent birthday. As I reflected on my younger days, all I kept thinking was "I will never be as exhilarated about things as I was when I was in my 20s." This was a terrifying thought for me, so I got very depressed, lost my appetite, and lost myself in Second Life, where I had one exhilarating adventure after another, thereby going from one extreme, to the other, and back again. Not really a good couple of months for me.
But now I'm trying to learn to be happy with the middle ground. I'm thankful that I'm self-aware enough to know why I do a lot of the things I do. The hard part is changing. I still want to be thrilled and excited and overwhelmed. But I guess that I also need to be satisfied with things being just ok. (Although, honestly, that feels like a copout—who wants to settle for just ok?) So here's my question: How do I have a passion for something without it getting out of control and becoming escapism? I remember saying something last week about "keeping things in perspective." Is this where I would apply that maxim? Any thoughts on this?
Currently listening : Supernova By Liz Phair Release date: By 16 April, 1995
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