Will the Real Donatella Please Stand Up...

Saturday, May 26, 2007

Current mood: Bold and Brassy!
Category: Bold and Brassy! Life

So, who is that kid up on the stage playing the trombone? That can't be my kid—but there he is. He signed up for the school talent show and now he's playing his trombone in front of parents and schoolmates alike. Amazing how the genetic trait of "DON'T LOOK AT ME!" seems to have skipped a generation. And he's actually a sort of shy kid, but his friends were signing up, so he did too. He even chose a song with two endings, so he played the whole thing through twice. I am so freaking proud...

Let's go back in time to when my grade school was having a talent show. Did I sign up to be in it? Nope. I fantasized about doing a little dance routine to some song from a popular movie at the time. I practiced in my bedroom, alone, hoping to god that my mother wouldn't see me—I would have been mortified. I would never, ever, EVER think of performing in front of people. I don't know if it was innate, or I learned it somewhere, but I knew, in my heart, that I was not to "express myself" in front of other people. People were not to know what went on inside my head. I disliked playing pretend, lest some hidden aspect of my personality were to sneak out. When I doodled during school or whatever, I always scratched the doodles out. Those scribbling might give something away. (Yeesh.)

I got the "don't look at me" gene from my mother. In fact, I got it by way of nature and nurture, both. I learned to be modest. I learned to be nice. I learned to not wear certain types of clothing. I asked my mother when I was in high school about why I must shave my armpits. Her answer: Because otherwise it doesn't look nice…. I spent my formative years trying to simultaneously look nice, and yet avoid attention. It's a hard juggling act.

Here's an example of how this craziness has affected my life: About two years ago I went to see Stan Ridgway at a small club in Chicago with my friend Cactus. On the way in we were each given a raffle ticket for a drawing later. The club was the shape and size of a shoebox, and was extremely packed, so half-way through the show I told Cactus I was going to the back of the room. Near the end of the set Stan announced the drawing for such items as 6 Feet of Beef Jerky. Of course, my raffle ticket number is drawn. So, Stan keeps calling the number and I just pretend like it wasn't my ticket. "That's never happened before," said Stan. That's because the winner was never ME! Just the thought of walking through the crowded club, up on stage, to get a prize from Stan Ridgway…well, I couldn't do it. So he called another number. After the set Cactus didn't even have to ask me if I had the winning ticket; he'd known me too long to have thought otherwise. But as of late, things have been different for me. Over the years I had dealt with my insecurities and self-consciousness in different ways—some healthy, some not. But there has never been an actual change in my self-perception or mindset, until recently.

After the milestone birthday, and my introduction to Second Life, I'm finally starting to feel like I'm hitting my stride. I'm seeing that in SL I can let the "real" me out, without fear of reproach. I've been making a lot of friends in SL, meeting librarians who are very smart and funny, and I can flirt like the dickens! And this online behavior has emboldened me in real life as well. I find that I'm able to strike up conversations with people I've just met. I'm not afraid to make chitchat with strangers in line at the grocery store. And I can joke around with the cutest guys that come into the library without turning beet red. At long last I am feeling comfortable in my own skin, and it feels great.

Currently listening : The Good, the Bad & the Queen By The Good the Bad & The Queen Release date: By 23 January, 2007